Often in the last two years, someone will say something about a person dying or something related to an untimely death and then stop suddenly and apologize for saying THAT THING. It happened the day before yesterday and again yesterday.

I think people apologize because they believe they might have triggered memories by using the particular words they used. As if their words are what would make my loss flood in and take over. As if…

As if I don’t live every minute with and around and under and inside the loss. As if I would need any spoken words to remind me that this life has a gaping hole in it. As if…

 As if I were perfectly fine until hearing their spoken words. As if the spoken words could cause me to remember that, oh, yeah! I’m not perfectly fine. As if perfectly fine were an option. As if just plain old fine were an option. As if…

As if being not sad or not overwhelmed or not alone or not angry were an option. As if…

As if I were finished being sad, and I were finished remembering and finished grieving.

As if…