I’m fine

I haven't been able to write. My whole life is so different, and one of the many ways it’s different is that words just don't seem to work anymore. I type words, read them, and delete them; this goes on and on because words don't mean what they used to. I'll sit down to write…

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. At about sixteen breaths per minute, I estimate that I’ve taken somewhere around seven million breaths since that day. Today is the eleventh. It’s been ten months. Ten months. How? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Our anniversary. Breathe out. My birthday. Breathe in. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve,…

This Scream Can’t Escape

I used to drink a ton of coffee, but in January, for health reasons, I switched to herbal tea. One morning, about a week and a half after I’d stopped drinking coffee, he said he didn’t like drinking coffee without his coffee-drinking partner, so he, too, switched to herbal tea. He became a tea connoisseur.…

Fragmented

As I lay my newborn grandson down on the changing table, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to God for his perfect features, his soft newborn skin, and his incredible newborn smell, and the next second tears are flowing because I can’t share this joy with the love of my life, so I’m crying out to God that…

Saturday

Saturday marked one month after your death. It was appropriately sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter.  I feel like the rest of my life will be a Saturday between Good Friday and Easter.

Frustration. Defeat. Repeat.

So many things need to be decided. I wish you were here to help me. I need answers to questions I never dreamed I’d ask. You’d figure it all out if you were here. You’d make the calls if you were here.  If you were here… • I’m not sure if it’s the global pandemic…

I got upset with her this morning

I got upset with her this morning. She handled it well, but I ended up feeling like a horrible mom. It’s the fear again. It creeps in to every little thing.  Why does grief feel so much like fear? Terror, really.  She missed two full weeks of school, so she’s behind. Her on-line tutors are…

I woke up really early

I woke up really early; I sat on the couch and stared out the window; I must have fallen back to sleep. I dreamed about you. I dreamed that I was on the sidelines of a soccer game. Madeline had just run over to give me her earrings, which is weird because the holes in…