When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That’s what they say, but what if you don’t like lemonade? And even if you did, maybe it turns out that when life handed you these damn lemons, it also took with it the sweetener. Lemonade made without sugar makes your mouth hurt and makes your eyes water.…
As if…
Often in the last two years, someone will say something about a person dying or something related to an untimely death and then stop suddenly and apologize for saying THAT THING. It happened the day before yesterday and again yesterday. I think people apologize because they believe they might have triggered memories by using the…
The Second Year
In my new world, March 10th is known as The Last Good Day. On March 10th two years ago, I was living my best life. It was a Tuesday. Sammy and Tommy left early for their classes at UCCS, Ken went to work, and Madeline and I did our homeschool thing. Madeline had some online…
Something
Something struck me a few weeks ago. It was Ken’s birthday, a day that, in the past, I would have planned and prepared a delicious meal that would have made him feel special. A meal that I wouldn't normally make on a random Wednesday night. A meal that would be all about him. This is…
I’m fine
I haven't been able to write. My whole life is so different, and one of the many ways it’s different is that words just don't seem to work anymore. I type words, read them, and delete them; this goes on and on because words don't mean what they used to. I'll sit down to write…
This Scream Can’t Escape
I used to drink a ton of coffee, but in January, for health reasons, I switched to herbal tea. One morning, about a week and a half after I’d stopped drinking coffee, he said he didn’t like drinking coffee without his coffee-drinking partner, so he, too, switched to herbal tea. He became a tea connoisseur.…
Saturday
Saturday marked one month after your death. It was appropriately sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter. I feel like the rest of my life will be a Saturday between Good Friday and Easter.
Frustration. Defeat. Repeat.
So many things need to be decided. I wish you were here to help me. I need answers to questions I never dreamed I’d ask. You’d figure it all out if you were here. You’d make the calls if you were here. If you were here… • I’m not sure if it’s the global pandemic…
I got upset with her this morning
I got upset with her this morning. She handled it well, but I ended up feeling like a horrible mom. It’s the fear again. It creeps in to every little thing. Why does grief feel so much like fear? Terror, really. She missed two full weeks of school, so she’s behind. Her on-line tutors are…
I’m sure there are things I should be doing
I’m sure there are things I should be doing. I’m sure of it, but can’t think of what those things are. I’m even more forgetful than I ever was. I write lists and walk away and don’t look at them again. I make phone calls and end up on hold. After being on hold for…
Dirt Road Diary 