All month I’ve been thinking about what I was doing a year ago. Today is especially sobering. Last year on this day, I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I thought, like every day that came before it, that I knew what my tomorrow would look like. This life on earth is fragile, and…
I’m fine
I haven't been able to write. My whole life is so different, and one of the many ways it’s different is that words just don't seem to work anymore. I type words, read them, and delete them; this goes on and on because words don't mean what they used to. I'll sit down to write…
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. At about sixteen breaths per minute, I estimate that I’ve taken somewhere around seven million breaths since that day. Today is the eleventh. It’s been ten months. Ten months. How? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Our anniversary. Breathe out. My birthday. Breathe in. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve,…
This Scream Can’t Escape
I used to drink a ton of coffee, but in January, for health reasons, I switched to herbal tea. One morning, about a week and a half after I’d stopped drinking coffee, he said he didn’t like drinking coffee without his coffee-drinking partner, so he, too, switched to herbal tea. He became a tea connoisseur.…
Fragmented
As I lay my newborn grandson down on the changing table, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to God for his perfect features, his soft newborn skin, and his incredible newborn smell, and the next second tears are flowing because I can’t share this joy with the love of my life, so I’m crying out to God that…
Saturday
Saturday marked one month after your death. It was appropriately sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter. I feel like the rest of my life will be a Saturday between Good Friday and Easter.
Frustration. Defeat. Repeat.
So many things need to be decided. I wish you were here to help me. I need answers to questions I never dreamed I’d ask. You’d figure it all out if you were here. You’d make the calls if you were here. If you were here… • I’m not sure if it’s the global pandemic…
I got upset with her this morning
I got upset with her this morning. She handled it well, but I ended up feeling like a horrible mom. It’s the fear again. It creeps in to every little thing. Why does grief feel so much like fear? Terror, really. She missed two full weeks of school, so she’s behind. Her on-line tutors are…
I’m sure there are things I should be doing
I’m sure there are things I should be doing. I’m sure of it, but can’t think of what those things are. I’m even more forgetful than I ever was. I write lists and walk away and don’t look at them again. I make phone calls and end up on hold. After being on hold for…
I’m overwhelmed by so much these days
I’m overwhelmed by so much these days, mostly by how much I miss you. I can’t see an end to this sadness. Honestly, I don’t even want an end to this feeling. It’s all I am capable of feeling right now, and thinking about feeling different in the future means looking into a future without…
Dirt Road Diary 